The Silent Child
by Ann-Mike Alexander on Sunday, October 31, 2010 at 12:49pm
Once there was a day that I liked to laugh and play but suddenly You had to take it all away. You robbed me of my entire childhood. You even took my voice. I became the "Silent Child." You used a police officer, a peace officer, in an attempt to destroy me. Someone who should have protected me but you chose other plans. It took many years and tears to try to fathom what was wrong with me and understand why this had to happen. But today, I can say that I am healing! What You meant for evil, God used to make me into something beautiful. I traded my ashes for beauty. I was broken. My life shattered into a million pieces. I was victimized from age 6 years old until about 11 years old. I remained a victim well into my adulthood. I was robbed and my innocence was taken. My will to be a little girl was destroyed. I had every right to laugh and play. A bright little girl who would have loved nothing more, You had to take it away. I didn't have time to do things little girls love to do. I was too busy building a fortress around my heart. Brick by brick, day by day for the duration of my youthful years. You see if no one was going to protect me, I had to protect myself. I was an adult but a little girl was still trapped inside. That's when I became the "Silent child." What You don't know is you didn't kill me. You did make my life overwhelming and sometimes hard to deal with. Complications led me to certain tendencies to sin dramatically. I often blamed my sin on my victimization. but today I don't believe confessing sin is primarily about fault, it's about peace and freedom. Confessing to "The True Peace Maker." My sins were my own fault, but more important to God, I believe my willingness to confess how badly I hated those sins and how I wanted to be free from the power of abuse held over my own decisions. I brought those sins to the altar of God. He cleansed and forgave me. He is teaching me day by day how to change my responses and how to tear the wall around my heart down. Yes, God did permit these things to happen to me but God was not the author of my victimization. You were the accuser and the abuser! God knew that I would have to seek Him diligently for healing and by that I would come to know my Healer. God knew that glory would come through His name through the miracle of restoration and subsequent ministry. He knew I would be compassionate to children and victims childhood hurt. I believe that God knew that the crime of childhood victimization would come "out of the closet" in my generation and He is calling all victims to be the voice for thy silent children. God also wanted to teach me how to make freedom in Christ of my life from the passion of my personal experience. Until I meet God one day and He fills in the blanks of the things that I don't understand, this is enough for me. From blindness to vision I became more present. I started to see and notice things. People's voices, their expressions, and their body language around me. I became aware of how they react in response to me. I learned for the first time what boundaries are. I felt strange as I became aware of who I was because that was when the thought "normal" began to make sense. The "Silent Child" trapped inside and my emotion's were split in time. But now the "Silent Child" and my emotion's are combined . I've been told so many times, "you're crazy, you're insane"; If only they knew the pain. I became present more and more each day. I got to know how that "Silent Child" and how my emotion's behaved. How could I understand any different than my own reality that I always assumed was normal. So many years of consecutive pain and abundant tears, and of patterns and people and the fact that you don't quite fit in I realized the entrapment I was in. After many years of searching for myself, I can say with confidence that today I have a clearer glimpse of awareness and with God I am healing. In order to heal and be to present each day, I must understand how I behave. I have a feeling if the silent child and my emotions are frozen away, the more they are out, I can feel today. Some days I feel as if the "Silent Child" is still trapped inside, it brings to my awareness that I'm living in survival mode still. That is why it is easier to cope. It's not that I am so much better, I'm just not feeling at all. When I am feeling more often each day, no wonder it is a bright and beautiful light. As I began to learn, feeling is living, and that creates life. Now I know why the loved ones in my life would place the many sticky notes on my mirror, my computer, or wherever they thought I would be. They were a reminder to keep me feeling no matter the fear that may have overtaken me. So to my God-sent husband Mike, and my beautiful daughter's Blaze and Sarah, I realize now that you wanted me to experience life. So I still have all of those sticky notes tucked away so that when I'm feeling like a victim, I can read them and they show me the way. Sometimes knowing somehow that feeling was impossible yet you did not give up even when life seemed to be more than we all could handle. The more that I become aware of that "Silent Child" lost inside of me, I understand one transition to another and how my life is supposed to be. A life long since gone for an eternity, survival was my main concern and the "Silent Child" trapped inside of me is what helped me to stay alive. Split lives protected the "Silent Child" , but when she grew up, it seemed like an endless cycle of insanity. I am continuing to get to know the" Silent child" . My emotion's are regaining cooperation with their lives. The more the transition begins to blend, I will become more whole again. Each day we start fresh, letting go of the past. We know God's love for us and we now love ourselves. We can spread that love everywhere we go without reacting to someone else's pain as a result of some of our own unresolved pain. Instead, let them be, with love, understanding their wounds and their journey process is their own. Our love for them in the midst of their journey may be a catalyst to their own internal truth that even with all human sin and unresolved pain, they are still loved just the same. So today I have forgiven the man who took from me the innocence of a little girl that once was trapped inside of me. As I read God's Word and believe that we are to forgive others because Christ first forgave me, I must do the same in return to others that hurt me. I finally decided to hand it over to God and let Him be the Judge. God already saw me and He can far better represent my cause. It frees me from the bitterness of burden and blame. Yes the memories are still painful but I love and I forgive you. I understand that "you knew not what you were doing." You helped to build my testimony and you did not even know it. What Satan used you to do to me as an attempt to destroy me, only gave me a clearer vision of my God, my Abba. I will continue to spread the good news to those who have been broken and shattered . No matter what pit your in, you can climb out. Open your eyes and look up. See, God is already standing there at the top with His arm's stretched so far, waiting for you to grab hold to and take you in His arm's. If my testimony helps only one person, then it was worth it all to me. The shoes and the mask that you may be wearing, you can take them off and throw them away. I used to wear the same mask and shoes you see. There are still some scars that I carry today but they are for others to see, so they may reach out and touch to say ,"You have been there, and you made it through!" Our scars tell our story, you do not have to hide them anymore. God says we are beautiful and that we are enough. And that is what I believe.