The Silent Child
Once there was a day that I liked
to laugh and play but suddenly You had to take it all away. You
robbed me of my entire childhood. You even took my voice. I became the "Silent Child." You used a police officer, a peace
officer, in an attempt to destroy me. Someone who should have protected me but you chose other plans. It took
many years and tears to try to fathom what was wrong with me
and understand why this had to happen. But today, I can say
that I am healing! What You meant for evil, God used to make
me into something beautiful. I traded my ashes for beauty. I was broken. My life shattered into a million pieces. I was victimized from age 6 years old until
about 11 years old. I remained a victim well into my adulthood. I was robbed and my
innocence was taken. My will to be a little girl was destroyed. I had every right to laugh and play. A bright little
girl who would have loved nothing more, You had to take it away. I
didn't have time to do things little girls love to do. I was too busy
building a fortress around my heart. Brick by brick, day by day for the
duration of my youthful years. You see if no one was going to protect me,
I had to protect myself. I was an adult but a little girl was
still trapped inside. That's when I became the "Silent
child." What You don't know is you didn't kill me. You
did make my life overwhelming and sometimes hard to deal with. Complications led me to certain tendencies to sin dramatically. I often
blamed my sin on my victimization. but today I don't believe confessing sin is primarily about fault, it's about peace and
freedom. Confessing to "The True Peace Maker." My sins were my own fault, but more important to God, I believe my willingness to
confess how badly I hated those sins and how I wanted to be free from the power
of abuse held over my own decisions. I brought those sins to the
altar of God. He cleansed and forgave me. He is teaching me day by day
how to change my responses and how to tear the wall around my heart down. Yes, God did permit these things to happen to me but God was not the
author of my victimization. You were the accuser and the
abuser! God knew that I would have to seek Him diligently for
healing and by that I would come to know my Healer. God knew that glory
would come through His name through the miracle of restoration and subsequent
ministry. He knew I would be compassionate to children and victims
childhood hurt. I believe that God knew that the crime of childhood
victimization would come "out of the closet" in my generation and He
is calling all victims to be the voice for thy silent children. God
also wanted to teach me how to make freedom in Christ of my life from
the passion of my personal experience. Until I meet God one day and
He fills in the blanks of the things that I don't understand, this is enough
for me. From blindness to
vision I became more present. I started to see
and notice things. People's voices, their expressions, and
their body language around me. I became aware of how they react
in response to me. I learned for the first time what boundaries
are. I felt strange as I became aware of who I was
because that was when the thought "normal" began to make
sense. The "Silent Child" trapped inside and my
emotion's were split in time. But now the "Silent Child" and
my emotion's are combined . I've been told so many times, "you're crazy, you're insane"; If only they knew the pain. I
became present more and more each day. I got to know how
that "Silent Child" and how my emotion's behaved.
How could I understand any different than my own reality that I
always assumed was normal. So many years of
consecutive pain and abundant tears, and of patterns and people and the
fact that you don't quite fit in I realized the
entrapment I was in. After many years of searching
for myself, I can say with confidence that today I have a clearer glimpse
of awareness and with God I am healing. In order to heal and be
to present each day, I must understand how I behave. I have a
feeling if the silent child and my emotions are frozen away,
the more they are out, I can feel today. Some days I feel
as if the "Silent Child" is still trapped inside, it brings to my awareness
that I'm living in survival mode still. That is why it is easier to
cope. It's not that I am so much better, I'm just not feeling at
all. When I am feeling more often each day, no wonder it is a bright and
beautiful light. As I began to learn, feeling is living, and that
creates life. Now I know why the loved ones in my
life would place the many sticky notes on my mirror, my
computer, or wherever they thought I would be. They were a reminder to
keep me feeling no matter the fear that may have overtaken me. So to my
God-sent husband Mike, and my beautiful daughter's Blaze and Sarah,
I realize now that you wanted me to experience life. So I still
have all of those sticky notes tucked away so that when I'm feeling like a
victim, I can read them and they show me the way. Sometimes
knowing somehow that feeling was impossible yet you did not give up
even when life seemed to be more than we all could handle. The
more that I become aware of that "Silent Child" lost inside of me, I understand
one transition to another and how my life is supposed to be. A life long
since gone for an eternity, survival was my main concern and the "Silent Child" trapped inside of me is what helped me to stay alive.
Split lives protected the "Silent Child" , but when she grew up, it seemed
like an endless cycle of insanity. I am continuing to get to
know the" Silent child" . My emotion's are regaining
cooperation with their lives. The more the transition begins
to blend, I will become more whole again. Each day we start fresh, letting go of the past. We know God's love
for us and we now love ourselves. We can spread that love everywhere we
go without reacting to someone else's pain as a result of some of our own
unresolved pain. Instead, let them be, with love, understanding their
wounds and their journey process is their own. Our love for them in the midst
of their journey may be a catalyst to their own internal truth that even with
all human sin and unresolved pain, they are still loved just the same. So
today I have forgiven the man who took from me the innocence of a little girl
that once was trapped inside of me. As I read God's Word and believe that
we are to forgive others because Christ first forgave me,
I must do the same in return to others that hurt me. I finally decided to hand it over to God and
let Him be the Judge. God already saw me and He can far better
represent my cause. It frees me from the bitterness of burden and
blame. Yes the memories are still painful but I love and I
forgive you. I understand that "you knew not what you were
doing." You helped to build my testimony and you did not
even know it. What Satan used you to do to me as an attempt to
destroy me, only gave me a clearer vision of my God, my Abba. I will
continue to spread the good news to those who have been broken and shattered .
No matter what pit your in, you can climb out. Open your eyes and
look up. See, God is already standing there at the top with His
arm's stretched so far, waiting for you to grab hold to and take you in
His arm's. If my testimony helps only one person, then it was worth it
all to me. The shoes and the mask that you may be wearing, you can
take them off and throw them away. I used to wear the same mask
and shoes you see. There are still some scars that I carry
today but they are for others to see, so they may reach out and touch to say
,"You have been there, and you made it through!" Our scars tell
our story, you do not have to hide them anymore. God says we are
beautiful and that we are enough. And that is what I believe.
